My husband

A great deal of the past 'almost 8 months' has been spent wondering if I'd 'do it all again?'. Was, and is, the pain and trauma worth the love and life we shared, albeit for a short period of time - 6 years together, just over a year married. just over a year. I still cannot believe it.

I still can't answer my question with confidence. I remember who I was and how I felt when we met. I had extracted myself from a destructive toxic relationship some years before - and anyone who has split with a narcissist will know, the hardest part always comes after you've separated. If you have the sheer audacity to reject a narcissist, be prepared for months, or years of abuse as a form of punishment, as a sick way of attempting to turn the narrative and blame around and crush you to the point where you're not good to anybody.

The freedom and pride and love I felt for myself once I'd been able to wade through all that trauma and come out the other side was nothing short of euphoric. I needed and wanted no-one but myself. My bullsh/t detector was operating at a level I'd never known before thanks to a lifetime of low self-esteem. I'd hit 40, and finally felt a contentment that more often than not eludes the young and fragile.

After 18 months of being my children's full-time carer (and working full-time), they'd starting having an overnight stay with their Dad one (weekday) a week. Wednesdays. Not the day that people tend to stay out after work and socialise. I decided to hop online and see if I could find myself a temporary companion for the occasional Wednesday night out.

I'd swiped right on a couple of men who came across as emotionally mature and interesting - someone whom I might like to just catch up for a drink with and have adult chats. I recall chatting with a guy who, after a few hours of back and forth, I'd deduced was in town on business (despite trying to convince me he was a single local man) and just wanted to 'get his end in'. Delete.

There was another guy, an English man - we met up for a coffee in the CBD. He seemed pretty nice, we bonded over photography, he had young kids and had a busy life too. We were paying for our coffees at the end of our short but sweet date, and he, very suddenly, looked me up and down in a creepy, on-heat kind of way. I looked at him like one looks at the contents of a week-old lunchbox, turned around, and walked away. Never had I ever had the confidence to instantly reject someone who was so clearly not right or good for me. I felt amazing.

Christmas came and went, and I decided on Boxing Day to take a final look before taking a break from the dating apps. I'd matched with a man, his face was gentle, handsome, interesting, and he looked like he could give me some good conversation. He'd kept his profile info short, but respectful - MD of a digital agency, loved his two boys, his parents in London, soccer and gosh... I forgot the final thing!! ...and most importantly, asked the question - what was my Top 5?.... I had one more hour to make contact with him before our match expired... okay okay....

"Hi Ciive, working on my Top 5...

I'll respond with mine, when I find some more time!".

If I'd waited another hour, our story would never have existed.